Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize