hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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