Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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