i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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