I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
