Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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