I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize