Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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