i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
