Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We were destined to go to rehab together
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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