party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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