Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
