When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
