my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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