Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
