It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
