discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize