And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
