i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
