I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
