mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
