Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
