I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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