I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
