We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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