dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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