You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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