so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
