I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I deserve this hangover.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
