just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That accounts for only three of the penises
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
