I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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