Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
