Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
