I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize