im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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