why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
