it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
