the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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