So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
