Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
