Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
