Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
