he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my shit smells like andre
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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