No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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