I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
