beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize