there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
