I wanna passion pit in your ass
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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