Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
