You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
