My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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