I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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