At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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