I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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