i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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