The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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