note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
