She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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