dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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