I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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