there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
