I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize