I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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