I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
