I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
