Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
