Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Buhtt sex?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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