he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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