so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
