You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
